Hill+Knowlton Strategies

Like Stuart Baggs arriving in front of Lord Sugar in his jimmyjams, this week’s write-up is ashamedly and apologetically late – the world of PR waits for no-one it seems. On the plus side, we’re eight weeks in and edging ever closer to the bit we’re all really waiting for – the cringe-inducing, Sergeant Major style interviews when we’re down to the final five.

Britain's brightest business prospects. Otherwise known as the 'arrogant cock' one and the 'petulant moany' one

This week we mourned the loss of the averagely capable but wonderfully entertaining Christopher, a man well and truly stuck in the 1970s thanks to his delightful views on TV advertising and the Germans (more on that gem later). But we’re running late, so let’s kick off with the awards straight away:

The ‘Where have my balls gone’ award – there’s only one word to describe Laura really. Actually, no there’s not. You could choose from several, including spineless, downright annoying, immature, whingy, petulant…oh the list goes on. This week though she took a leaf out of the classic Apprentice playbook by telling PM Stella in no uncertain terms to “choose the crisp flavours, don’t take my call, you’re the PM”. A job as Stuart Baggs’ Yes Man surely beckons after she’s booted off next week (well we can hope can’t we?!).

Marketing bo***cks of the week – Germany must be a seriously underdeveloped country when it comes to the food sector. I lost count of the number of times we heard the phrase “we’ve identified a gap in the market”. And what were these gaps exactly? Erm, German-flavoured crisps and classic British treats. If they really are gaps then I’m on the next flight to Hamburg armed with a suitcase full of Walkers Sensations.

Outfit of the week - oh how the Masters of the Universe have fallen

Bring back the women! – it has to be said, this week’s boardroom showdown was wetter than a Scout camp in Wales. It was all so polite, so uninterrupted, so above board and humble. There’s no doubt about it, the women on the series definitely spice up the final three KO.

Contender of the week – at the start of the series you’d have got exceptional odds on Joanna surviving more than three weeks, yet she’s about to land top of the pile. This week was particularly impressive, turning a hesitant three month order for British crisps into a bumper six month ticket and ruining the hopes of the other team in the process. The new favourite for me.

And the contrast is painful – oh Jamie, where did it all go wrong? Not only are you devastatingly handsome, but you used to be so very good. Come back man, please come back!

It’s that knife again – as per last week (and x number of weeks before), Chris waited for the perfect moment before sticking his blade in again. This week it was on soon-to-be-fired Christopher and his failure to inform his PM that a key meeting had been shifted later in the day. “This is news to me Lord Sugar”. Simple, devastating, brilliant.

Not even Great Uncle Bulgaria could save the contestants from themselves this week

Baggs the schoolboy – yet again he had so many memorable lines, including that disturbing one about owning a “white sausage”. Best of all though was his familiarity with the German people and their language on account of StuBaggs’ numerous trips to the Rhineland, no doubt as a pimpled teenager on one of those insufferable exchange programmes. Arch-nemesis Stella then reinforced this (admittedly crude) stereotype by delightfully telling him to “tuck your shirt in” as he tried on his winner’s clothes. Oh how their huge, apocalyptic, Hollywood argument beckons ever closer.

Quote of the week – only one winner here and that’s Christopher. Not simply for his wonderfully honest declaration that “I hate the Germans”, but more for the way in which he rephrased it in front of Lord Sugar in the boardroom: “I don’t even like going to Germany all that much”. Christopher, you may have been fired but you could score a job in PR anytime mate.