Hill+Knowlton Strategies

If you weren’t already aware that the Thames is apparently “London’s second biggest river”, or that “the face of Big Ben is 20 diameters in width”, or indeed that visitors flock to Westminster Abbey “because it’s a church”, then I’m glad Jamie was able to teach you all these vitally important (and in no way complete bo**ocks) facts on this week’s Apprentice.

Sadly what I learnt this week was that it’s possible for an arrogant, useless, immature, cocky little wretch to somehow squeeze his way through into the final five in place of an actually quite good candidate. I won’t lie to you, when Lord Sugar pointed his digit of doom at Liz a little bit of me died inside. While we wait yet another week for the eventual demise of Stuart Baggs (please dear God) here are the awards for week ten:

The Gherkin, called 'The Gherkin' because it looks "like a Gherkin". If you'd like a tour full of such insights, contact Jamie Lester and hand over just £35

How do you find a cockney in London? – hmm, I’m no expert but I’m guessing probably not by putting on a fake accent and parading into the east end, clipboard in hand. Hint to Liz – not all east Londoners are Cockneys. Especially not in Shoreditch.

How low is too low? – I’d say goading the London tourist office to call the Police to take you away pretty much does it. Then again, asking your fellow candidate to hit you in the middle of Trafalgar Square is a close second. Stuart Baggs, the world is your oyster

Mouth poll – who do we think has the more annoying voice? Is it the high-pitched never-ending Kalashnikov streaming from Jo’s Channel Tunnel-sized organ, or the reach-for-the-cyanide monotone drawl from Chris? Very close call I’d say

Most exciting news of the week – oh they do like to tease us do the producers. Just when everyone was getting off the sofa to whack on the kettle, who should pop up on next week’s preview but the loveable, adorable Margaret Mountford. She’s BACK!!!

The saviour of The Apprentice is about to return

Business degrees, yay or nay – clearly nay in Lord Sugar’s book as he told poor Liz, “you’re the one with a business degree but you ain’t shown me nuffin’ yet”. I did GCSE Business Studies you know, and look where it’s got me

Stella uncovers a shocking truth – the ‘cold corporate’ one’s face was a picture when she blurted out “Victoria married Albert, her cousin, here at St James Palace” to her paying customers. Has she never wondered why so many of the royals are folically challenged or indeed a tad ginger?

Quotes of the week – it’s a real toss-up this week, but a Liz classic and an inevitable Baggs blinder steel the day:

Baggs-ism, “I’m not a one trick pony or even a ten trick pony. I’ve got a field of ponies” – which leads to the question, how many ponies is it humane to keep in a field at once?

From Liz, “I don’t know much about cockneys. The whole area just seems a bit run down” – do I really need to comment on that?