Hill+Knowlton Strategies

I believe it was contemporary urban philosopher Ferris Bueller who once said ‘Life moves pretty fast; if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it’ (NB – on reflection, I don’t know why I wrote that; I hate people who ascribe deep significance to the throwaway utterances of fictional characters. IT WAS WRITTEN BY A SCREENWRITER, YOU CHUMP). This edition of Web Curios is brought to you by the whooosh-ing sound that time makes as it flies past your ears; it seems like only yesterday that I was writing the last one of these, talking about holidays and the end of summer and stuff. All of a sudden it’s December, I’ve not written a Curios for a month (not that any of you CARE, you unappreciative whelps), and you can’t turn on the television without a famous trying to sell you stinkwater. On an unrelated note, I am yet to eat a mince pie in 2011. If anyone would like to courier some over to H&K towers, I will be very grateful and possibly do a small happy dance in gratitude; thanks (in the unlikely event that HRH Prince Charles is reading this, I am a massive fan of Duchy Originals).

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Phew. Three weeks since I last did one of these, and my word has there been a lot going on. Bankers have shut down a church (well, you know, indirectly)! The Sun gave us possibly the most tasteless frontpage in years! One of the most appalling hatecrimes of the (admittedly newish) decade was committed to little or no mainstream media fanfare! France and Germany mocked Italy’s sexually incontinent Premier! The filthy rich just keep on getting richer! And loads more besides, much of it even more dispiriting than those few links I’ve just shared.

Ignoring the fact that world is going to hell in the proverbial handcart, though, I’ve actually had rather a lot of fun (because that is obviously the MOST IMPORTANT THING). I’ve seen comedy; I’ve been to an awesome gig;I’ve been to the theatre and seen probably the most harrowing play I’ve ever seen, ever (actually, make that the second-most harrowing - this was probably worse); I’ve eaten some truly tremendous food; and I got to see a truly tremendous rapper live in a tiny venue. So, you know, I’m alright. Are you alright? I’m starting to worry.

Anyway, enough of this. Make yourself a cup of tea, settle down in a suitably confortable chair, and imagine my soothing, dulcet tones reading this out to you (and, if you like, imagine my malcoordinated body acting out every single video too. You pervert). You may want to get some biscuits too; this could take a while.

Image courtesy of Neutron, LLC

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HELLO! This Friday marks what, as far as I’m concerned, is the end of the last working week in April. Next weekend we have death, resurrection and ceremonial chocolate sweats; the weekend afterwards we have a nation descending into drunken, vomitous chaos in the name of a patriotic spirit long-forgotten (oh, and there’s a wedding happening too). As a result of people indulging in this sort of behaviour, it’s unlikely any of us will have got over the jaundice before May at the earliest (NB – Web Curios does not condone excessive drinking unless it’s as an expression of royalist fervour, in which case go for your lives webmongs).

But that is all before us. Here, we look back – back at the week that was on the internet, a week in which people got very upset about a 17 year-old London woman’s *ahem* full and frank discussion of her personal life on a rap freestyle (NB – it really is full and frank and very NSFW); in which, through listening to this man’s voice, I learnt that I occasionally get this; in which I totally failed to get on a plane to Amsterdam to deliver a presentation at a conference (thus incurring a debt to The Man unto the bargain); in which it was proven that £50million does not always guarantee quality;  that it’s entirely possible to make clothes from blow-up dolls; and in which a former boss of mine was bathed, naked, by a strange, bearded man in the name of art. It’s been interesting.

As a result of the imminent HOLIDAY, this week’s Curios is going to be relatively light on work-related stuff. Obviously, though, it’s all still GOLD. ENJOY, DAMN YOU.

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I’m not as angry as I was last week. This is all relative, of course; I am still full of (entirely justified) rage at the industry in which I work; the sort of impotent rage that will achieve nothing other than slightly raised blood pressure and the heightened probability of an aneurysm before the age of 50. This week the rage has been mostly caused by people’s seemingly unthinking insistence on using the words ‘influencer’ (NB – note to readers: If you are ever being presented to and someone uses that image in a presentation, you have EVERY RIGHT to spit in their face and call them a clueless shyster. No really, you do) and ‘engagement’ in completely arbitrary fashion. CAN YOU DEFINE THE TERMS YOU ARE USING? OH NO, THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CAN’T, BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST THROWING THEM INTO YOUR SENTENCES LIKE THE BUZZWORDS DU JOUR THAT THEY FUNDAMENTALLY ARE.

*Ahem*

Look, I know that there’s nothing wrong with the words ‘influencer’ and ‘engagement’ per se; I just get really, really upset when they are used so casually. If you can’t define what an ‘influencer’ is with any degree of credibility (and here’s the rub – in terms of the online world people really struggle, which is why Klout and Tweetlevel are ultimately pointless, masturbatory exercises (at the moment, at least)), then don’t use the term; if by ‘engagement’ you mean ‘talking to people’ then just say ‘talking to people’ and bask in the knowledge that people won’t think you’re anywhere near as much of a social media tool.

Christ alive, I was calm before I started writing this and now I am all het up and unnecessary. I am going to take a moment to attain the state of zenlike calm that I normally bask in when writing Web Curios – join me in contemplation of this beautiful image, and we’ll continue after the jump.

Fill in the blanks yourself. It doesn't get any less disturbing.

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Football, it would appear, is still sexist. I AM SHOCKED AND APPALLED. Liz Jones is a mental cat lady and a dreadful journalist. I AM SHOCKED AND APPALLED. Famous people have been having their conversations eavesdropped on for the nefarious gain of a tabloid newspaper. I AM SHOCKED AND APPALLED.

Meanwhile, though, people have been getting less shocked and appalled this week by things such as some of the most significant protests and potential regime-changes since the fall of communism, the attempted blocking of said protests by Goevernmental control over the means of communication, or the fact that a 13-year old boy is potentially facing life in jail, without parole, in the US. Isn’t it funny what people get excited about? Eh? Oh.

Not that I’ve been doing anything to make the world a better place this week either, webmongs (plus ca change, eh?). Instead I’ve been to see some very good comedy (this man is brilliant; stalk him), seen some wonderful photography from the war in Afghanistan, and spent an inordinate amount of time staring at a screen and tapping at keys like a lab-rat hitting the pleasure switch, as is my wont. Read on for the fruits of that web exploration. Or, if you prefer, go here and get into a really impassioned debate about something VITALLY IMPORTANT. See if I care (I do care. Don’t go. DON’T GO).

But first, one of those awesome pictures from Afghanistan. I can’t recommend this exhibition highly enough, really:

Seriously, go see it. Photo by Bran Symondsen

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So this was the week that the UK decided to go ‘a bit French‘. Not in terms of Gallic chic (for which this is the first Google images result, proving that a) the Daily Mail are really good at SEO and that b) they are idiots in most other respects), but in terms of popular protest (NB – Web Curios in no way condones the dropping of fire extinguishers onto the forces of law and order). Far be it from me to opine on the rights and wrongs of the student demonstrations – other than to say that VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER, KIDS – but to those who are drawing parallels between this week’s demonstrations and the poll tax riots of the late 80s: well, you’re wrong. It wasn’t riots that got the poll tax abolished, you idiots; it was the fact that everyone refused to pay it and, much as she would have liked, Maggie couldn’t put everyone in jail. These student protests (and I’m willing to bet on this, should anyone fancy a wager) will change about as much as the demonstrations against military action in Afghanistan and Iraq. Sorry kids, but it’s true.

[An aside: someone I know was once punched in the face by their dad for daring to suggest that the French had the right idea when it came to protesting about stuff. Now that's a family dispute]

What else? Oh, yes, the British judiciary demonstrated that the law is an ass yet again yesterday, as Paul Chambers’ lost his appeal agaist conviction for telling a joke on Twitter. Take a moment to consider that, webmongs – you can say something to someone in jest, and now be liable for it. It’s just mental, frankly. There’s no way in hell that this won’t eventually get overturned – it’s just a question of the law needing to catch up with the world – but it’s a bit of a scary thought nonetheless. Let’s all go and bomb an airport in protest (NB – Web Curios in no way condones or encourages terrorist activity against airports or indeed any other locations. Except, perhaps, Swindon).

Sorry, that was all rather worthy, wasn’t it? Erm. Let’s take a moment before delving into the past week’s webthings to relax, purge our minds of all this SERIOUS STUFF, and contemplate the best news I’ve heard in ages – i.e. that Pulp are reforming. Go and read this essay dissecting Common People, and come back when you’re done. Or, er, don’t. Sorry, that was very bossy of me.

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It’s been said before, Webmongs, but work really is like being at school. I turned up to the daily grind on Wednesday having run out of hairwax (regular readers will recall Web Curios’ previous unsuccessful attempts to solicit brand gifts of icecream, whisky and meths – in case anyone from Toni & Guy is reading this, I favour Label M products, fyi), and as a result looking more like this than my usual Shockheaded Peter ’style’. Anyone would think that I had turned up casually wearing the carcass of a recently butchered child as an overcoat, such was the horror that greeted me; so much so that my adorable colleagues in the CPG team felt compelled to force some hair product on me and make me wear it. Thanks, girls: way to boost a social inadequate’s self esteem!

Obviously this INCREDIBLE STORY pales into insignificance before the (real, no cynicism) incredible tale of those blokes in the mine. You can read about it elsewhere, and doubtless you already have, but my favourite thing about the remarkable tale (aside from the number of conversations I’ve had where people have speculated as to how friendly they will have become with each other during those long, lonely hours in the dark – there really is no link I can put in there that won’t offend someone, sadly) was the joyful email we here at H&K towers received from a Chilean colleague, which finished with the beautiful, sweary exclamation of joy “VAMOS CHILE MIERDA!!”. You’ve got to love a country where the accepted exclamation of national pride contains a swear.

What else? Oh, there was another ’social media crisis’, which is funny as THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SOCIAL MEDIA CRISIS. I went to Bahrain, which is a very weird place – not least this very swanky Japanese restaurant which looks like that place in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman neatly eviscerates 100 or so people, despite being IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT. Strange, strange place. I also discovered that Absolut are now selling vodka in a gold bottle, called ‘Absolut Bling Bling’ – well done, Western world, that’s a whole new nadir of taste! Pat yourselves on the back – you awful, pathetic creatures.

Ahem. Anyway, links.

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You may have noticed (or you may have been blissfully indifferent to) the fact that Web Curios has been absent for a while. So much has happened! I went to Rome! The visit of an old German man in a bulletproof car led to a rash of increasingly lazy and unfunny paedophile jokes! It was discovered that Bono’s not really making AIDS history, but is instead carrying out really, really crap (not to mention crass) direct marketing campaigns! Pea-headed footballer Stephen Ireland did wonders for the reputation of footballers everyhere by opening the doors of his lovely, tasteful, understated home! Truly, it has been a time of wonder and miracles, and it is a wonder we are not seeing rains of fish or frogs as a harbinger of the coming end times.

Ach, who am I kidding? September’s been a horrible month, webmongs, and I for one can’t wait to see the back of it. All I can say is that I hope the past few weeks of your lives have been better than the past few weeks of mine. Anyway, enough maudlin whinging; I’ve got nothing this week, ‘comedy’ intro-wise, so on with the webrubbish. ‘Enjoy’.

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I was sick last week. Not actually physically sick (not in the Exorcist way, at least), but certainly ill. It sucked (another word that I’ve just discovered should not be combined with a Google search with the safe settings turned off), and was also a real shame as there were some proper internet gems which I was ITCHING to write about for your pleasure. I didn’t, though – instead I sat on the couch and felt sorry for myself and played Limbo, which is brilliant.

This probably doesn’t need to be reiterated, but Toy Story 3 is also brilliant. In the unlikely event that anyone from the American Department of Homeland Security is reading this (and given that this is now the second time I’ve linked to that website, there’s every possibility that they are WATCHING MY EVERY MOVE), then here’s a tip; leave off using music to break prisoners at Guantanamo, and instead commission Pixar to create a tearjerking animated short designed to persuade those pesky terrormongers of the error of their ways. You can have that for free.

There’s a whole raft of stuff to get through this week, some of it even quite good, so I’m not going to bother writing any more of this bit as I know noone really reads it anyway.

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I wake up and one of the first things I usually check is Facebook to see who has done what and when around the world in the past 7hrs while I’ve been sleeping. I have an eclectic mix of friends including my partner, close friends, family, ex-partners work colleagues and just a smattering of friends-of-friends. Then there are my fan pages… ok, the pages ‘I Like’ I think they are called now, which include such a mix of music, drag queens from Ru Paul’s famous ‘Ru Paul’s Drag Race’, shops, magazines (like ValenciaCity), restaurants, cool pages (like CoolHunter) and travel!…. I don’t have thousands of friends, just the people I actually know, or have met. I’m a bit fastidious about my security settings and only allow my friends and network (Hill & Knowlton of course) to view my updates and uploaded pictures.

Then I worry about tweeting…. OMG! What can I possibly say in 140 characters that will be of interest to my pitiful 97 followers who have read my 1,113 tweets… or increase my sad following?  (The stress increases one hundred fold when tweeting on behalf of the agency!)  In fact I cheat a little and link my personal Foursquare and Facebook accounts to my twitter account so that there is at least an update a day! Even if it is only suggesting where I am eating, drinking or working out! … are you still with me? Sound familiar?

Then there is my LinkedIn account (which again I have linked to the wider H&K LinkedIn network). Should I link to my twitter and Facebook accounts so that my 131 immediate connections linked to my network of 5,048 connections get updated as and when I eat or work out? But then I would have to be a tad more professional in my wording and try to use casual text speak a little less that is acceptable on Facebook. Would they be interested? I doubt it. And then there is Dopplr for tracking my travelling. Should I link this to Facebook and Twitter too or does my Worldmate account that I think I have linked to my LinkedIn account do that already!? Read the rest of this entry »