Hill+Knowlton Strategies

Well all good things must come to an end, the best man won and the winner takes it all but let’s face it, it’s not the winning but the taking part that’s important. And just like our time here with Dave as his trusted advisors, Marie and I present to you the last edition of the Apprentice Awards for the series.

Drumroll please…and the winner of the….

Walking cliché award goes to the man that does exactly what it says on the tin, Jim Eastwood. Jim also contributed to the episode’s quote of the week with a CV reading, “I’m not a show pony or a one-trick pony, I’m not a jackass or a stubborn mule, and I’m definitely not a wild stallion that needs to be tamed. I am the champion thoroughbred that this process requires.” This followed by arguably the best quote of the series as Margaret turns to him and asks, “What impression does that give me? That you’re a bit of an ass?” Classic Marge.

The Brand lives on award- From wild stallion to ponies in a field. For those following conversations on Twitter last night, you would have noticed The Brand trending worldwide. It seems like we just can’t get enough of lovable Stuart Baggs. Not only has The Brand hired himself a PR company to look after his reputation, he’s also heading to Scotland to perform a one-off stand up comedy show at this year’s Edinburgh Festival. God help us all.

Commiserations award goes to all work and no play (nor imagination) Helen Milligan. One has to question the value of tasks in this series. With Helen winning a total of ten tasks, compared to Tom’s measly three, Helen could well have been a potential winner had the series been following last year’s format; probably the most gutting form of solace anyone could have been given.

Adding to this, Marie’s ever-literal and practical hubby-to-be pointed out that actually we didn’t need to go through 12 weeks of this nonsense to get to this conclusion. If they looked at the business plans and CVs in week one, Tom would have been immediately anointed as the top of the ‘entrepreneurial elite’. However on that basis, the reluctant accountant with an allergy to verbs and prepositions, who left in the first week might have actually stood a chance given that numbers, balance sheets, and P&L were the downfall of most of the interviewed finalists (even the winner) in week 12.

But let’s face it, without the process we would have missed out on a lot laughs, cringes and reasons to feel good about ourselves.

Junior Apprentice in autumn – bring it on!

Disaster, absolute disaster. Melody Hossaini, a woman whose voice sometimes made me want to crawl into a box six feet under ground, was unceremoniously booted off The Apprentice last night. The reason I mourn, is because it’s goodbye to yet another of the more entertaining characters from this year’s show.

It was clear from the start that she riled most of her fellow ‘entreprenurial elite’ up the wrong way, but that’s what made her so entertaining. Of course, if we were in the jungle, or the BB House, there might be a way to bring her back, and uber-confident Vincent as well. But sadly, this is business, and in business, there is no coming back apparently.

Melody, but no harmony. Lord Sugar gave her the chop this week (image: Inspirengage.com)

Yet again this week, we’re treated to my colleague Marie’s round-up of all things good, bad, and downright terrible from the episode. So without further ado…

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We’re getting ever closer to the end Apprentice fans. Just six candidates/entreprenurial elites/useless shouty people remain in the fight to be Al Sugar’s next executive note taker, and the competition is really hotting up. Personally, I was sad to see Zoe get the boot this week as I admired her no-nonsense, northern style. Then again, I was sad when Alex Epstein left last year, so I’ll say no more.

This week happily sees the return of our own Apprentice critic Marie to provide her take on the episode’s events. Over to you Marie…

Biscuits - the new popcorn. Er, no Melody (image from Telegraph.co.uk)

Is anyone else not convinced by Helen? Now surely on the fast track to victory; what is it about her? I just don’t get it. Maybe she is badly (or from her point of view, superbly) edited to show some of her snappy decisions, her non-BS pitching technique and – ta-da – her making a million for Daddy. The most I can say about her is that she is not an idiot but I suppose in the land of idiots, the non-idiot is king.

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Having had somewhat of an Apprentice day yesterday, running around London looking for a cloche, fresh oysters and a sourcing a rather exotic looking durian fruit, I feel it’s only apt to edit this week’s Apprentice Awards.

You should handle one of these with care

With thanks to the ever wonderful Dave Chambers, we present to you…

Miss Modesty award – Melody – “I used to be able to speak six languages, which I taught myself”. Clearly modesty and plain English weren’t two of them, Miss Woman of the Universe? Ho hum.

Shining star award- After last night’s performance, we’ve taken a real shining to Helen. She delivered one incredible sales pitch and clearly understood the target market and unlike Edna, she connected with the buyers from La Radoute (even without leather gloves).

Shining star award 2- From the ever ambitious Susie, “I want to put myself forward because product selection is my thing”. Closely followed by, “I know nothing at all about France”, you got to give her credit for almost getting there with her stream of inquisitive questions. On the plus side, Susie can say ‘Bonjour’, but that’s the only French word she knows apparently, which leads to the intriguing question of what happens when she has to say goodbye?

Novel suggestion of the week - Tom – “Guys, can you do some market research independent of your own thoughts?” Leon and Melody’s face after that utterly bizarre and frankly ridiculous request was priceless. Then again, their faces in the boardroom as Al’s pal’s Nick and Karen bollocked them for not doing market research were equally good.

Eye candy award- Slim pickings this year and while Dave was slightly obsessive over Jamie Lester’s style and good looks from the last series, this year we’re stuck with the likes of Vincent Disneur, Alex Cabral (who?) and everyone’s favourite accountant- Ed Hunter. Now with pretty-faced Leon gone, we can tell Lord Sugar means real business.

Quotes of the week

“It’s very classic but quite contemporary at the same time”. Melody manages to destroy 2,000 years of art history with 10 little words.

“Do the French like their children?” I don’t know Susie, perhaps they like other people’s children instead? Is France a strange, adoption-based culture maybe? Do their children like their parents? Who knows, maybe we should phone a Frenchman and ask him.

“I think they’re great products. Just not for us” says one shop owner. In other words, your weird foldy phone stand which looks suspiciously like it was constructed out of spent cotton buds is crap and my grandson could make one for 20p.

Apprentice Final Five predictions

With just weeks left of the Apprentice, we gathered some Apprentice fans around H&K towers to get a lo-down on who they think will make it into the final five. Who’s in your top five?

H&K Apprentice Final Five predictions from Hill & Knowlton UK on Vimeo.

Joy of joys, this week’s edition was all about creating media content, specifically a magazine – cue much interest from us PRs, and no doubt from journalists across the land. Sadly (on a personal note) it was Glenn who got the boot this week – given his hilarious management style two weeks ago, I was desperate for him to stick around as it’s fair to say he was well on the way to being this year’s Alex Epstein.

Anyway, enough sobbing, here are the awards this week courtesy of  Apprentice starlet, Joey.

Fired. Should have been fired. Whiny, whingy but might win it. This week's grovellers (image courtesy of the BBC)

The new favourite? It’s fair to say we haven’t been massive fans of pint-sized screecher Suzie to date. To sum her up in three words – Complains. Moans. Constantly. However, this week she ditched the soprano whine and got on with some proper fighting, Rocky-style, in the boardroom. She’s got a lot to learn, and she’s barely out of nappies, but we’re starting to wonder if she might just stick around at least until the final five.

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What a rubbish task, quite literally in every sense possible. Five weeks into the Apprentice and Old Shugs sent the two teams, Venture and Tragic Logic with one-tonne tippers to patrol the streets of London and look for unwanted bicycles, old sinks, old radiators, spare scaffolding poles and the odd credit card bill to subsidise the task at hand and turn trash into cash.

As always we have H&K’s resident Apprentice fan Dave Chambers offering a critical eye with this week’s Apprentice Awards:

The Johnny Bravo PLUS brains award- hellloo? Can this award go to anyone but firee Edna Agbarha, who had three degrees and more letters than a can of alphabet spaghetti? Being the natural brains of the team (apparently), the HR professional offered her consultancy advice and flexed her guns to pick up the odd bit of trash, whilst spending the majority of the day barking orders at the rest of the team and patting herself on the back for all her great work. Quite frankly she was useless and deserved to get the digit of death.

Repetitive phrase award- “I gave 110% throughout the task”- ‘nuff said

‘Welcome to the Real World’ award – Sulky Suzi because let me spell it out for you: LIFE’S NOT FAIR (apologies- feeling rather shouty today). Suzi with her permanent whiney set of vocal chords and on-the-verge-of-tears eyes each time she says ”It’s not fair” makes me almost want to switch channels (almost). I can’t really see Al going into business with her, unless they are going into a babysitting company of sorts.

Low key duo award- Close one between Jim and Leon. Leon did practically nothing in terms of last night’s task, which incidentally is much more fun when three crazed, arrogant women are left in there together. And Jim? He played low key after last week’s public bollocking by east-end Al.

Jedi-Jim yet again survived another week and is one step close to becoming Lord Sugar’s business partner. To that point, do any of these candidates have any idea what this business might be? Yea…me neither.

Next week sees the candidates setting up a free magazine. From the preview it looks like one team has gone down the trashy lads mag route and the other – a magazine aimed at pensioners. Did I mention the word pensions? Dave’s already emailed to say he’s bagsy-ing the next post. Until then…

Oh it was a goodie this week wasn’t it?! The classic design and branding task never fails to amuse, nor do the contestant’s laughable attempts at pitching to a room of stunned advertising execs. We again have two bits to this week’s Awards. First-up is Marie’s summation of where it all went wrong…

Design a Dog Food - how hard can it be? Pretty damn hard if you don't listen to a vet who's spent his life looking at such things

Having dragged myself away from performing dogs (BGT) and foregoed watching the disintegration of an unassuming lunatic (Corrie), The Apprentice combined both with its pet food marketing advertising task. They say, of course, never work with animals and children which I guess is the same as never work with animals and adults with the mental age of nine year olds. What a dog’s dinner. Literally.

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Making my blogging debut on the H&K blog and what an honour it is to join the Apprentice blogging force that is Dave Chambers and Marie (-gret) for The Apprentice Awards.

Another week with 16 of Britain’s best business brains now down to 12.

The Goddess of Love and Beauty treatments

This week’s remaining candidates are summoned to the British Museum for another one of Lord Sugar’s tenuously linked tasks, “See this statue of Aphrodite, I want you to go and make me some money selling beauty treatments.” Without question, off they went to flog various winges, spray tans and cold stone pedicures to Birmingham punters.














So awards this week:

The ‘Let me show you what I can do with my pinkie award’ HAS to go for Leon for his ever-so-slightly creepy sales technique of enticing unknowing women to purchase fake tan from him. Dave, on the other hand thinks it’s brilliant and predicts men up and down the land will be trying that in pubs, bars, clubs and Birmingham shopping centres right across the weekend.

Will they ever learn award?

Clearly unlike the rest of the nation glued to their telly screens on Wednesday nights, Apprentice candidates do not watch the show enough to know that claiming to be an expert in any field inevitably ends up horribly wrong. Remember retail guru Alex Epstein from series 6? Sulky Susie was lucky to get away with a measly £203.01 profit against Team Logic’s ugly loss of £246.28.

I have my eyes on you award

Is Lord Sugar flirting with self-proclaimed ladies man Vincent? It’s the second week in a row where Vincent has been ousted, this time about his tanned complexions. Clearly not amused by another one of Sugar’s snide comments, I’d expect more sparks to fly between the pair.

Now over to Dave to provide Gems of the Week

It’s been a less than ideal week for Jim, securing only £14 in treatments and then trying to save the day by bursting into the sensual massage room and declaring “four hands are better than two” as two lads waited for a massage. Awkward…

Quote of the week had to be “It’s really tough selling in Birmingham, there are so many poor people” whines Sulky Suze.

Week two (and episode three, which is going to make things very confusing) and it was the return of the ever popular ‘run around London buying stuff cheap’ task. Personally, the year they did it in Morocco with Mr Sophocles was the funniest one for me, but this week’s effort didn’t disappoint. What’s a cloche? No, me neither.

First up, a summary of the downfall of GavLar by my colleague, Marie:

The Savoy - Full of tea bought at £900 a kilo

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Yes, it’s back!! The Apprentice – the BBC’s stab at reality TV with a ‘business twist’, returned last night. Once again, we’ll be keeping you updated on the progress of Britain’s 16 brightest business prospects oevr the next 12 weeks. This year however, I’m not alone – I’ve got my very own blogging version of Margaret and Nick in the shape of Marie and Joey from our Financial Services and Food & Drink teams who will be adding their thoughts to the mix each week.

Oh yes they're back - just 12 weeks to find Britain's most hopeless business brain (image from CoventryTelegraph.net)

First up then is Marie’s summary of last night’s opener….. Accountancy firms must surely be breathing a huge sigh of relief this morning at their near-miss with Mr. E. Hunter. Their loss was clearly The Apprentice’s gain however. Edward, the ‘first to leave’, appeared to be acting out a mid-life career crisis (at the grand old age of 25) on national TV. Clearly in some sort of denial stage, he was desperate to demonstrate that he was “over” all things profit and loss and that he was more than just an accountant.

Edward Hunter - more than just a Profit & Loss man

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