Hill+Knowlton Strategies

I had an opening riff all worked out for this week, webmongs, but that was before I saw this amazing news story. Poor the confused,  sweaty-palmed masturbators! That aside, though, it’s been a relatively uneventful 4-day week, apart from the British press redeeming itself slightly for Gareth Barry John Terry Ryan Giggs-gate by actually doing some proper investigative journalism – which, inevitably, led to literally nothing changing whatsoever in the no-way-at-all-corrupt HQ of world football; and perhaps from the best story likely to appear in print anywhere in the world in 2011. Oh, and if you were traumatised by goats as a child (and let’s be honest, which of us hasn’t been) then THIS IS YOUR MONTH.

The rest of you, though, for whom it is NOT your month, will simply have to content yourselves with the following collection of webthings. Apart from The Man – for it is always his month.

Alice Was A Lot Less Innocent Than Is Often Presumed

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HELLO! This Friday marks what, as far as I’m concerned, is the end of the last working week in April. Next weekend we have death, resurrection and ceremonial chocolate sweats; the weekend afterwards we have a nation descending into drunken, vomitous chaos in the name of a patriotic spirit long-forgotten (oh, and there’s a wedding happening too). As a result of people indulging in this sort of behaviour, it’s unlikely any of us will have got over the jaundice before May at the earliest (NB – Web Curios does not condone excessive drinking unless it’s as an expression of royalist fervour, in which case go for your lives webmongs).

But that is all before us. Here, we look back – back at the week that was on the internet, a week in which people got very upset about a 17 year-old London woman’s *ahem* full and frank discussion of her personal life on a rap freestyle (NB – it really is full and frank and very NSFW); in which, through listening to this man’s voice, I learnt that I occasionally get this; in which I totally failed to get on a plane to Amsterdam to deliver a presentation at a conference (thus incurring a debt to The Man unto the bargain); in which it was proven that £50million does not always guarantee quality;  that it’s entirely possible to make clothes from blow-up dolls; and in which a former boss of mine was bathed, naked, by a strange, bearded man in the name of art. It’s been interesting.

As a result of the imminent HOLIDAY, this week’s Curios is going to be relatively light on work-related stuff. Obviously, though, it’s all still GOLD. ENJOY, DAMN YOU.

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It has been a week of RAGE on the internet. Rage and hate, webmongs. Not, though, coming from me (well, no more than is usual) – this time it’s been everyone else getting all unnecessary about things. And then, and is the wont of the internet, behaving like a toddler with ADHD and completetely forgetting about the thing that made them so angry in the first place and moving on to the next shiny new toy. I don’t necessarily agree with the whole ‘the internet is making you stupid’ movement – you know what? we were doing just fine at being stupid before this stuff turned up – but it’s certainly helping us regress, behaviourally, like few other things.

Anyway, so Tuesday saw everyone (well, every single media tool in London, at least) getting REALLY REALLY IRATE at a video made by PHD Worldwide in what would appear to be an attempt at self-promotion. If you’re reading this then you are probably one of the London media tools who’s already seen said video, but on the offchance you haven’t, you can watch it here. It’s undeniably cringey – stage-school kids spouting a whole load of mediaguff about THE FUTURE and how brands will need to market to them in NEW and EXCITING and DYNAMIC ways if they are to capture the attention of the POWER CONSUMERS of the future – and certainly deserves a bit of ribbing. It probably didn’t, though, merit the frightening level of vitriol directed at it online.  Just a thought – was some of the anger directed at PHD (who, it must be said, dealt with the whole thing very graciously and with a sense of humour) possibly borne of self-recognition? Ask yourselves, media tools of London, have you never used terms like that when trying to shill your services? Was the reason that so many people were moved to such staggering levels of bile that they saw themselves in it? It’s one thing to come the big social media guru in a client meeting when you’re met by the blank-eyed, slack-jawed stares of incomprehension that immediately precede the opening of chequebooks by the terminally confused; it’s quite another to be confronted by the horror of the words you regularly use when they’re coming from the mouths of children. Just saying, like.

BUT! We all swiftly forgot about that on Wednesday, when we met Binkie. The original Telegraph article’s been removed, presumably to spare the poor girl any further humiliation, but the damage has been done. By Wednesday afternoon she was trending in London, people were full of IRE at her privilege and background and nickname and wealth, and kind-hearted people on Twitter had dug out her Facebook profile, found out where the wedding was happening and were talking about how ‘fun’ it would be to gatecrash it with White Lightning (an aside: I have just discovered they no longer make White Lightning. Teenage Matt is saddened by this) and how they wanted various calamities to befall her.

Look, I know this is all ‘harmless fun & games‘, and heaven forfend that I be puritanical and preachy about this sort of thing, but it does make me sort-of-agree with Milo Yiannopoulos and this article he wrote in the very same Telegraph earlier this week (aside from the ‘lefty’ rubbish). Remember the Two Laws of the Internet? Well this is all about the second one. Never forget Wheaton’s Law. It should be easy; if it’s not, perhaps you might want to consider sterilising yourself.

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I’m not as angry as I was last week. This is all relative, of course; I am still full of (entirely justified) rage at the industry in which I work; the sort of impotent rage that will achieve nothing other than slightly raised blood pressure and the heightened probability of an aneurysm before the age of 50. This week the rage has been mostly caused by people’s seemingly unthinking insistence on using the words ‘influencer’ (NB – note to readers: If you are ever being presented to and someone uses that image in a presentation, you have EVERY RIGHT to spit in their face and call them a clueless shyster. No really, you do) and ‘engagement’ in completely arbitrary fashion. CAN YOU DEFINE THE TERMS YOU ARE USING? OH NO, THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CAN’T, BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST THROWING THEM INTO YOUR SENTENCES LIKE THE BUZZWORDS DU JOUR THAT THEY FUNDAMENTALLY ARE.

*Ahem*

Look, I know that there’s nothing wrong with the words ‘influencer’ and ‘engagement’ per se; I just get really, really upset when they are used so casually. If you can’t define what an ‘influencer’ is with any degree of credibility (and here’s the rub – in terms of the online world people really struggle, which is why Klout and Tweetlevel are ultimately pointless, masturbatory exercises (at the moment, at least)), then don’t use the term; if by ‘engagement’ you mean ‘talking to people’ then just say ‘talking to people’ and bask in the knowledge that people won’t think you’re anywhere near as much of a social media tool.

Christ alive, I was calm before I started writing this and now I am all het up and unnecessary. I am going to take a moment to attain the state of zenlike calm that I normally bask in when writing Web Curios – join me in contemplation of this beautiful image, and we’ll continue after the jump.

Fill in the blanks yourself. It doesn't get any less disturbing.

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Happy New Year! (I was going to accompany that with an image, but you’d be suprised how NSFW the first Google Image result for that apparently innocent phrase is. Dear God, it’s all just filth on the internet, isn’t it?).

It’s been over a month, webmongs, and, if I’m honest, I’ve not missed you in the slightest. Doubtless, though, you have all been desperately pining for me, and staring blank-eyed into the middle-distance every Friday afternoon, wondering exactly how you are going to be able to fritter away the remaining hours separating you from your regular appointment with a bottle of meths and a cold, lonely evening alone in your bedsit in front of the glowing flicker of a cathode-ray tube.

I, though, have been leading the glamorous life of a jetsetter. Apart from on Christmas Day, where I found myself eating a mediocre lunch, alone, at the soulless Gordon Ramsey franchise at Heathrow Terminal 5. I have been to Rome and Berlin and (unexpectedly, due to being ‘confused’ on new year’s day) Dusseldorf and Amsterdam and San Francisco. I didn’t look at the internet AT ALL for over a fortnight. It was AMAZING.

Now, though, my nose is once again being deprived of multiple epidermal layers as a result of prolonged exposure to the grindstone. I am back ON IT. As such, take a deep breath, make yourselves comfortable, and let me guide you with the assured touch of a skilled lover through this week’s selection of things off the internet. After a picture, to break the monotony:

My vision was a bit like this on New Year's day, hence the Dusseldorf incident

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We are a nation in mourning. We have been denied our RIGHT by the cheating foreigners. Or, as the more level-headed amongst us migh be thinking, we’ve been spared seven years of small-island jingoism and casual racism, dredging up the ashes of empire in unseemly and ugly fashion. Whichever side of that particular fence you fall on (clue: if it’s the wrong side, sling your hook; we don’t need your sort ’round here), the fact remains that football’s not coming home; it’s going to hang out with Roman and the oil barons instead. Don’t worry, though; they’re both fantastic countries with unimpeachable records on human rights! Eh? Oh.

Leaving aside frivolous sporting matters for a moment, it has once again been a BIG WEEK. Everyone’s favourite agent provocateur Julian Assange has been disclosing secrets left right and centre – and noone can complain, because it’s ‘in the public interest’! (this is my new favourite statement, largely because ‘the public’ is such a large, amorphous entity that almost anything can be considered to be, to some degree, in its interest. Basically meaning that anything is, to an extent, permissable. Thanks, Julian, for ushering in a new era of libertarianism). Top Tip for 2011, though – get Julian on your Dead Pool, quick smart.

Elsewhere, the festive season is upon us and so are the advertising campaigns – this video, for example, by La Senza (and I challenge any man reading this to watch that and not feel a bit…well…grubby. I promise; it’s impossible). Web Curios would, however, like to suggest that maybe this year, given how utterly banjaxed everything is, you potentially consider a different approach and perhaps use your monies differently. Or, you know, go ahead and buy that scented candle set that we both know will stay in its packaging in the guest bedroom for evermore. Your call. Of course, if you want to buy me a present then feel free.

(sometimes I think I’m in the wrong industry, you know).

Anyway, enough of this. OTHER STUFF has been happening – INTERNET STUFF (seamless segue, I think you’ll agree). But before we turn our attention to INTERNET STUFF, a picture!

It's Christmas Party Season!!!!

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To get a feel for what the crew here are thinking about, let’s catch up with this week’s blog posts.

‘Tis the season for adverts. Annouchka Behrmann reviews some; Duncan Gallagher zooms in on the John Lewis drama. On another channel, Dave Chambers continues his Apprentice Awards. Jo White shares things to like and what to do when you make a mistake.

Duncan also Looks East, Rima Sacre visits the London Futures exhibition, and Glen Hodgson discusses The Energy Strategy for Europe.

As for me, I was privileged to be blogging from the Web 2 Summit, listening to everyone from Google CEO Eric Schmidt to Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook. More on the Summit to come.

So this was the week that the UK decided to go ‘a bit French‘. Not in terms of Gallic chic (for which this is the first Google images result, proving that a) the Daily Mail are really good at SEO and that b) they are idiots in most other respects), but in terms of popular protest (NB – Web Curios in no way condones the dropping of fire extinguishers onto the forces of law and order). Far be it from me to opine on the rights and wrongs of the student demonstrations – other than to say that VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER, KIDS – but to those who are drawing parallels between this week’s demonstrations and the poll tax riots of the late 80s: well, you’re wrong. It wasn’t riots that got the poll tax abolished, you idiots; it was the fact that everyone refused to pay it and, much as she would have liked, Maggie couldn’t put everyone in jail. These student protests (and I’m willing to bet on this, should anyone fancy a wager) will change about as much as the demonstrations against military action in Afghanistan and Iraq. Sorry kids, but it’s true.

[An aside: someone I know was once punched in the face by their dad for daring to suggest that the French had the right idea when it came to protesting about stuff. Now that's a family dispute]

What else? Oh, yes, the British judiciary demonstrated that the law is an ass yet again yesterday, as Paul Chambers’ lost his appeal agaist conviction for telling a joke on Twitter. Take a moment to consider that, webmongs – you can say something to someone in jest, and now be liable for it. It’s just mental, frankly. There’s no way in hell that this won’t eventually get overturned – it’s just a question of the law needing to catch up with the world – but it’s a bit of a scary thought nonetheless. Let’s all go and bomb an airport in protest (NB – Web Curios in no way condones or encourages terrorist activity against airports or indeed any other locations. Except, perhaps, Swindon).

Sorry, that was all rather worthy, wasn’t it? Erm. Let’s take a moment before delving into the past week’s webthings to relax, purge our minds of all this SERIOUS STUFF, and contemplate the best news I’ve heard in ages – i.e. that Pulp are reforming. Go and read this essay dissecting Common People, and come back when you’re done. Or, er, don’t. Sorry, that was very bossy of me.

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The problem with leaving two weeks between Web Curios, webmongs, is that I completely forget what’s happened in the world since the last one, leaving me rather shy of material for the (admittedly second-rate) opening paragraphs. I know, for example, that this week’s been particularly good for The Man (you don’t want to know why I am so aware of that, trust me), that a very rich, very stupid man was going to leave his job and then decided not to and that this inexplicably dominated the news agenda for 72 hours, that we are effectively going to have a really, really unpleasant decade (it’s true – even The Man Who Knows Gordon Best said so), and that Mexico is probably the most frightening country on earth right now (don’t click on those words unless you have a strong stomach – some very, very graphic photojournalism that way lies). Oh, and the entire nation appears to be gripped, once again, by a second-rate karaoke show and what appears to be a showcase of the very worst human beings on the planet (in fairness, though, my esteemed colleague Dave is doing a rather nice episode-by-episode blog of that).

[A brief aside - can someone explain to me, please, what the appeal of the X-Factor is? I am genuinely baffled as to why millions of people seem to find entertainment in watching music that was mediocre to start with being sung appreciably less well by people with less talent than the original artists, many of whom have fairly obvious and somewhat troubling personality disorders, on a set that looks as though it was designed by the same people who designed the wrappers for Quality Street chocolates, presided over by a group of people who, as a result of consistent public attention and adulation, are now of the mistaken belief that what they do matters and should be the subject of public debate, all in order to basically inflate the already gargantuan income of a man who's almost singlehandedly responsible for everything that is wrong with the last decade of this country's musical output? (I wonder if he and The Man are friends?) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL ARE YOU ALL IDIOTS WHY CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM RIGHT AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Feel free to respond in the comments if you have any arguments that might persuade me that the IQ of the majority of the UK population is in double rather than treble figures, and that that is borne out by the its televisual habits]

*Ahem*

Of course, though, that all pales into insignificance compared to stuff that people have done on the internet. Here is some of it.

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It’s been said before, Webmongs, but work really is like being at school. I turned up to the daily grind on Wednesday having run out of hairwax (regular readers will recall Web Curios’ previous unsuccessful attempts to solicit brand gifts of icecream, whisky and meths – in case anyone from Toni & Guy is reading this, I favour Label M products, fyi), and as a result looking more like this than my usual Shockheaded Peter ’style’. Anyone would think that I had turned up casually wearing the carcass of a recently butchered child as an overcoat, such was the horror that greeted me; so much so that my adorable colleagues in the CPG team felt compelled to force some hair product on me and make me wear it. Thanks, girls: way to boost a social inadequate’s self esteem!

Obviously this INCREDIBLE STORY pales into insignificance before the (real, no cynicism) incredible tale of those blokes in the mine. You can read about it elsewhere, and doubtless you already have, but my favourite thing about the remarkable tale (aside from the number of conversations I’ve had where people have speculated as to how friendly they will have become with each other during those long, lonely hours in the dark – there really is no link I can put in there that won’t offend someone, sadly) was the joyful email we here at H&K towers received from a Chilean colleague, which finished with the beautiful, sweary exclamation of joy “VAMOS CHILE MIERDA!!”. You’ve got to love a country where the accepted exclamation of national pride contains a swear.

What else? Oh, there was another ’social media crisis’, which is funny as THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SOCIAL MEDIA CRISIS. I went to Bahrain, which is a very weird place – not least this very swanky Japanese restaurant which looks like that place in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman neatly eviscerates 100 or so people, despite being IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT. Strange, strange place. I also discovered that Absolut are now selling vodka in a gold bottle, called ‘Absolut Bling Bling’ – well done, Western world, that’s a whole new nadir of taste! Pat yourselves on the back – you awful, pathetic creatures.

Ahem. Anyway, links.

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