Hill+Knowlton Strategies

Contrary to what you may have feared, I AM NOT DEAD! Put away your wreaths, unveil your faces and break out the bunting, for Web Curios is BACK (I just tried doing a Google Image search for Web Curios – beautifully, several of the initial results are pictures of The Man. Hello, The Man!). Admittedly it’s only back for a week, as I am on HOLIDAY next Friday, but frankly you should be grateful for whatever you’re given at this stage.

In my absence, webmongs, I have seen things of which you can only dream. I have seen Slough and a Tesco’s so large that approaching it is like that opening bit in the first Star Wars film with the massive spaceship that goes on and on and on and (Slough FACT: there’s a pun in Slough town centre called the Wernham Hogg, named after the fictional company in The Office (which was of course set in Slough); I can’t work out whether this is a brilliant piece of self-satirisation or actually one of the saddest things ever, though I know which way I intuitively lean). I have been to Barcelona on a stag party, accompanied (amongst others) by a charming man known as ‘Big Sam’ who was recently cleared of common assault after breaking a man’s jaw on the fotball pitch (needless to say Big Sam and I didn’t really have much in common), where I danced to techno like a teenager and was thrown out of a nightclub (I came back in again 5 minutes later though).  Oh, and I’ve done work as well, some of it actually not that bad.

Obviously, though, this is all utterly immaterial in the face of the world’s continued descent into what appears to be total chaos. Better people than me have written at length about everything that’s been going on over the past month (and worse people – check out this spectacular piece of ad placement from last week’s Metro), but can I suggest that you perhaps donate some money to the relief effort in Japan? Or if you prefer music, maybe buy tickets for this? Oh, and if you’re interested in the geopolitical upheaval sweeping the Middle East and its potential implications for China you could do worse than read this piece by Francis Fukuyama in the Wall Street Journal this week (don’t get smug, though, Franky – you were still totally wrong about the END OF HISTORY thing). Or, if you prefer your commentary a little more raw, there are few people more on the money about conflict than The War Nerd.

Oh, and one last thing before I wang on about the internet and cats and stuff. I was reminded this week about the way in which Facebook is used as a tribute site when people die, particularly in the case of the young. This is, of course, perfectly fine. As someone who relatively recently had to administer the page of someone young who died, though, can I please point out that WHAT YOU WRITE MATTERS. I don’t mean to come across as stuffy (HEAVEN FORFEND) but I’m not entirely convinced that the term ‘RIP’ benefits from an exclamation mark (hey, kids, punctuation changes emphasis. You idiots) or indeed that a sad smiley is an adequate response to death. Just saying, like.

Ahem. Oh, and one last thing – Web Curios this week contains no Rebecca Black whatsoever. You can thank me in the comments.

One of a series of posters designed to commemorate the Fukushima earthquake. Click for more.

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It has been a week of RAGE on the internet. Rage and hate, webmongs. Not, though, coming from me (well, no more than is usual) – this time it’s been everyone else getting all unnecessary about things. And then, and is the wont of the internet, behaving like a toddler with ADHD and completetely forgetting about the thing that made them so angry in the first place and moving on to the next shiny new toy. I don’t necessarily agree with the whole ‘the internet is making you stupid’ movement – you know what? we were doing just fine at being stupid before this stuff turned up – but it’s certainly helping us regress, behaviourally, like few other things.

Anyway, so Tuesday saw everyone (well, every single media tool in London, at least) getting REALLY REALLY IRATE at a video made by PHD Worldwide in what would appear to be an attempt at self-promotion. If you’re reading this then you are probably one of the London media tools who’s already seen said video, but on the offchance you haven’t, you can watch it here. It’s undeniably cringey – stage-school kids spouting a whole load of mediaguff about THE FUTURE and how brands will need to market to them in NEW and EXCITING and DYNAMIC ways if they are to capture the attention of the POWER CONSUMERS of the future – and certainly deserves a bit of ribbing. It probably didn’t, though, merit the frightening level of vitriol directed at it online.  Just a thought – was some of the anger directed at PHD (who, it must be said, dealt with the whole thing very graciously and with a sense of humour) possibly borne of self-recognition? Ask yourselves, media tools of London, have you never used terms like that when trying to shill your services? Was the reason that so many people were moved to such staggering levels of bile that they saw themselves in it? It’s one thing to come the big social media guru in a client meeting when you’re met by the blank-eyed, slack-jawed stares of incomprehension that immediately precede the opening of chequebooks by the terminally confused; it’s quite another to be confronted by the horror of the words you regularly use when they’re coming from the mouths of children. Just saying, like.

BUT! We all swiftly forgot about that on Wednesday, when we met Binkie. The original Telegraph article’s been removed, presumably to spare the poor girl any further humiliation, but the damage has been done. By Wednesday afternoon she was trending in London, people were full of IRE at her privilege and background and nickname and wealth, and kind-hearted people on Twitter had dug out her Facebook profile, found out where the wedding was happening and were talking about how ‘fun’ it would be to gatecrash it with White Lightning (an aside: I have just discovered they no longer make White Lightning. Teenage Matt is saddened by this) and how they wanted various calamities to befall her.

Look, I know this is all ‘harmless fun & games‘, and heaven forfend that I be puritanical and preachy about this sort of thing, but it does make me sort-of-agree with Milo Yiannopoulos and this article he wrote in the very same Telegraph earlier this week (aside from the ‘lefty’ rubbish). Remember the Two Laws of the Internet? Well this is all about the second one. Never forget Wheaton’s Law. It should be easy; if it’s not, perhaps you might want to consider sterilising yourself.

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Happy New Year! (I was going to accompany that with an image, but you’d be suprised how NSFW the first Google Image result for that apparently innocent phrase is. Dear God, it’s all just filth on the internet, isn’t it?).

It’s been over a month, webmongs, and, if I’m honest, I’ve not missed you in the slightest. Doubtless, though, you have all been desperately pining for me, and staring blank-eyed into the middle-distance every Friday afternoon, wondering exactly how you are going to be able to fritter away the remaining hours separating you from your regular appointment with a bottle of meths and a cold, lonely evening alone in your bedsit in front of the glowing flicker of a cathode-ray tube.

I, though, have been leading the glamorous life of a jetsetter. Apart from on Christmas Day, where I found myself eating a mediocre lunch, alone, at the soulless Gordon Ramsey franchise at Heathrow Terminal 5. I have been to Rome and Berlin and (unexpectedly, due to being ‘confused’ on new year’s day) Dusseldorf and Amsterdam and San Francisco. I didn’t look at the internet AT ALL for over a fortnight. It was AMAZING.

Now, though, my nose is once again being deprived of multiple epidermal layers as a result of prolonged exposure to the grindstone. I am back ON IT. As such, take a deep breath, make yourselves comfortable, and let me guide you with the assured touch of a skilled lover through this week’s selection of things off the internet. After a picture, to break the monotony:

My vision was a bit like this on New Year's day, hence the Dusseldorf incident

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So this was the week that the UK decided to go ‘a bit French‘. Not in terms of Gallic chic (for which this is the first Google images result, proving that a) the Daily Mail are really good at SEO and that b) they are idiots in most other respects), but in terms of popular protest (NB – Web Curios in no way condones the dropping of fire extinguishers onto the forces of law and order). Far be it from me to opine on the rights and wrongs of the student demonstrations – other than to say that VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER, KIDS – but to those who are drawing parallels between this week’s demonstrations and the poll tax riots of the late 80s: well, you’re wrong. It wasn’t riots that got the poll tax abolished, you idiots; it was the fact that everyone refused to pay it and, much as she would have liked, Maggie couldn’t put everyone in jail. These student protests (and I’m willing to bet on this, should anyone fancy a wager) will change about as much as the demonstrations against military action in Afghanistan and Iraq. Sorry kids, but it’s true.

[An aside: someone I know was once punched in the face by their dad for daring to suggest that the French had the right idea when it came to protesting about stuff. Now that's a family dispute]

What else? Oh, yes, the British judiciary demonstrated that the law is an ass yet again yesterday, as Paul Chambers’ lost his appeal agaist conviction for telling a joke on Twitter. Take a moment to consider that, webmongs – you can say something to someone in jest, and now be liable for it. It’s just mental, frankly. There’s no way in hell that this won’t eventually get overturned – it’s just a question of the law needing to catch up with the world – but it’s a bit of a scary thought nonetheless. Let’s all go and bomb an airport in protest (NB – Web Curios in no way condones or encourages terrorist activity against airports or indeed any other locations. Except, perhaps, Swindon).

Sorry, that was all rather worthy, wasn’t it? Erm. Let’s take a moment before delving into the past week’s webthings to relax, purge our minds of all this SERIOUS STUFF, and contemplate the best news I’ve heard in ages – i.e. that Pulp are reforming. Go and read this essay dissecting Common People, and come back when you’re done. Or, er, don’t. Sorry, that was very bossy of me.

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It’s been said before, Webmongs, but work really is like being at school. I turned up to the daily grind on Wednesday having run out of hairwax (regular readers will recall Web Curios’ previous unsuccessful attempts to solicit brand gifts of icecream, whisky and meths – in case anyone from Toni & Guy is reading this, I favour Label M products, fyi), and as a result looking more like this than my usual Shockheaded Peter ’style’. Anyone would think that I had turned up casually wearing the carcass of a recently butchered child as an overcoat, such was the horror that greeted me; so much so that my adorable colleagues in the CPG team felt compelled to force some hair product on me and make me wear it. Thanks, girls: way to boost a social inadequate’s self esteem!

Obviously this INCREDIBLE STORY pales into insignificance before the (real, no cynicism) incredible tale of those blokes in the mine. You can read about it elsewhere, and doubtless you already have, but my favourite thing about the remarkable tale (aside from the number of conversations I’ve had where people have speculated as to how friendly they will have become with each other during those long, lonely hours in the dark – there really is no link I can put in there that won’t offend someone, sadly) was the joyful email we here at H&K towers received from a Chilean colleague, which finished with the beautiful, sweary exclamation of joy “VAMOS CHILE MIERDA!!”. You’ve got to love a country where the accepted exclamation of national pride contains a swear.

What else? Oh, there was another ’social media crisis’, which is funny as THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SOCIAL MEDIA CRISIS. I went to Bahrain, which is a very weird place – not least this very swanky Japanese restaurant which looks like that place in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman neatly eviscerates 100 or so people, despite being IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT. Strange, strange place. I also discovered that Absolut are now selling vodka in a gold bottle, called ‘Absolut Bling Bling’ – well done, Western world, that’s a whole new nadir of taste! Pat yourselves on the back – you awful, pathetic creatures.

Ahem. Anyway, links.

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Update: The people have been heard. Gap returns to old logo

What’s a brand to do when a parody is more creative than the real thing? I can’t help but feel sorry for the PR people at Gap Towers this week. The scurrying is palatable even 6000 miles away. Thrown into a mess they probably had no hand in creating. Forced to watch on the fancy online buzz monitors as this User Generated Critique of their silly logo redesign bounces to mainstream media.

Do you ignore? Embrace ‘the conversation’? Respond? Crowd source! Oh noz. Has nobody noticed it is the professional design community who are the loudest logo haters? Hey, maybe the whole thing was a stunt?? Did someone in marketing demand ‘a viral‘???

Well this certainly showed the dark side of user generated content spreading in record Internet time. And it is this cyber speed that captivates me. As well as the quality of the snark.

Like @BPGlobalPR before it, the secret to the success of @GapLogo is creativity. Witty, informed, in touch with the times. Clever, fresh, fun. Add your own adjective below. Alas, the logo itself is none of these. Perhaps inspirational — if inspiring ridicule was a KPI.

Make Your Own Gap Logo by @jamesjyu is a LOL piece of code. Gapify by @joeippolito plays the joke a different way. But the mashup below is my favorite. (I’d feel sorry for the Apple PRs too, except they are miles above caring — bless them.)

Can a company Parody Proof their brand? I wish they could for my clients’ sake. But I doubt it.

ps: Lots of logos here for next time

You may have noticed (or you may have been blissfully indifferent to) the fact that Web Curios has been absent for a while. So much has happened! I went to Rome! The visit of an old German man in a bulletproof car led to a rash of increasingly lazy and unfunny paedophile jokes! It was discovered that Bono’s not really making AIDS history, but is instead carrying out really, really crap (not to mention crass) direct marketing campaigns! Pea-headed footballer Stephen Ireland did wonders for the reputation of footballers everyhere by opening the doors of his lovely, tasteful, understated home! Truly, it has been a time of wonder and miracles, and it is a wonder we are not seeing rains of fish or frogs as a harbinger of the coming end times.

Ach, who am I kidding? September’s been a horrible month, webmongs, and I for one can’t wait to see the back of it. All I can say is that I hope the past few weeks of your lives have been better than the past few weeks of mine. Anyway, enough maudlin whinging; I’ve got nothing this week, ‘comedy’ intro-wise, so on with the webrubbish. ‘Enjoy’.

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HASTY EDIT – I published this and then realised that this was the 18th Web Curios. Web Curios is now of legal drinking age; should any of you fancy buying Web Curios a bottle of whisky (or meths of suitable vintage), please feel free. Thanks.

Another week down, another 7 days spent at work feeling like Sisyphus (if you’d prefer a visual representation of this, you can’t go wrong by clicking here). Yet again, it might be argued that I shouldn’t be writing this and should instead be knuckling down to some HARD GRAFT (for which phrase Google Images suggests this – proof positive that people who spend time on the internet have NO CONCEPT of what work actually means); those who hold that opinion, though, are ignoring the JOY that Web Curios brings to literally tens of webmongs across Soho. I am performing a public service, big bossman Richard Miller. Frankly I should be subsidised by the state – after all, there’s some extra cash knocking about these days.

Having said that, this is going to be the last Web Curios for a while as next Thursday I am going on HOLIDAY. Yes, I know that I have tried that before this year and failed spectacularly, but this time nothing can go wrong. I’m only going to Italy, for God’s sake *prays, fervently*. Before I embark upon my Roman holiday, though, have some things – oh, and for those of a sensitive disposition, please be assured that nothing in this week’s selection comes anywhere near to the creepiness of last week’s stuff. Which is a shame, frankly (there was a video of a Satanic mass, but I’m not quite sure how far I can test my employers’ patience at the moment). Enjoy, or don’t, but whatever you do DON’T HAVE NIGHTMARES.

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Coaching my colleagues on their presentation skills recently I’ve been thinking a lot about good and bad narratives.

 And two more 80s remakes hitting the box office, Karate Kid and The A Team, brought this into perspective; in particular the relationship between content and delivery.  C.C. Colton couldn’t  possibly have imagined the negative impact of his aphorism ‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’.

To be fair I’ve not seen either of these movies, but in my experience most remakes simply don’t work (and I’m being polite here). They are never as good as the original, in fact they don’t even come close. Usually they’re just a case of form over substance.

Of course that only annoys oldies like me, or younger retro fans.  After all, for those who haven’t seen the previous movie isn’t ‘my’ remake ‘their’ original?

And yet I’m not against adapting stories. One of my favourite guilty pleasures is Cruel Intentions, the almost verbatim teen adaption of Dangerous Liaisons.  It’s clever, witty, has a great cast and tells the story in its own compelling way.  And that’s the clue.

A great story can be retold thousands of times, depending on how you tell it.  Take Shakespeare, an inspiration to narrative makers the world over. I’ve seen everything from toe-tapping musicals to a gangster movie (Joe Macbeth) based on Will’s works.  The quality may have varied, but I’ve found something in them all.

Where so many ‘take two’ blockbusters fall down is that they try to tell the same story in the same way.  No amount of special effects can cover that up.

And that’s where so many pitch narratives fall down, failing to achieve a more individual, compelling, and memorable way to take the audience on a journey. Adaptation, not imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I awoke this morning feeling wonderful – the weather was a bit pony, admittedly, but it was FRIDAY and I had 2 days of pseudo-freedom to look forward to before reapplying the shackles of gainful employment. Things were looking good, webmongs…and then I had an 8:30am conference call which pretty much screwed my day entirely. It’s hard to explain its effect without resorting to cheap hyperbole, so I shan’t try; suffice it to say that it was the psychological equivalent of making a series of small but well-placed papercuts between each of my toes and then taking a saline foot-bath; of flaying the skin from my bones and then rolling across the great Salt Lake Desert.

But! It’s not just about me (it is, actually, but let’s pretend). What’s been going on in the world since we last spoke? Oh, loads of stuff. Old Spice did THE BEST THING ON THE INTERNET EVER – or at least that’s what a bunch of generic media idiots think; real people, on the other hand, remained utterly oblivious to the fact that a man with his shirt off was massaging the egos of a host of people on Twitter. They also remained reluctant to purchase the frankly horrifyingly-scented product in question (though a note to all the PR/marketing gurus/ninjas/mavens (*vomits*) who are running around shouting FAIL! – let’s look at figures in a year’s time and then judge the campaign, eh? And frankly I’m sure that the fine folk at W&K will be crying into their vintage Veuve at Cannes this time next year when they’re hoovering cocaine from the tanned midriff s of teenage models whilst clutching multiple Lions of varying hues).

What else? Paul Gascoigne made a late bid for a post on the UN Security counsel as he demonstrated his peacekeeping skills; The Times revealed the IMMENSE SUCCESS of its paywall policy; the Spanish won a fight; lots more people got a Facebook account; and I went to see this man doing stand-up and fell a bit in love with his genius. But! You don’t care about that! In fact, you probably don’t care about what is to follow either, but no matter. On with the LINKS and INFORMATION and STUFF.

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