Hill+Knowlton Strategies

The problem with leaving two weeks between Web Curios, webmongs, is that I completely forget what’s happened in the world since the last one, leaving me rather shy of material for the (admittedly second-rate) opening paragraphs. I know, for example, that this week’s been particularly good for The Man (you don’t want to know why I am so aware of that, trust me), that a very rich, very stupid man was going to leave his job and then decided not to and that this inexplicably dominated the news agenda for 72 hours, that we are effectively going to have a really, really unpleasant decade (it’s true – even The Man Who Knows Gordon Best said so), and that Mexico is probably the most frightening country on earth right now (don’t click on those words unless you have a strong stomach – some very, very graphic photojournalism that way lies). Oh, and the entire nation appears to be gripped, once again, by a second-rate karaoke show and what appears to be a showcase of the very worst human beings on the planet (in fairness, though, my esteemed colleague Dave is doing a rather nice episode-by-episode blog of that).

[A brief aside - can someone explain to me, please, what the appeal of the X-Factor is? I am genuinely baffled as to why millions of people seem to find entertainment in watching music that was mediocre to start with being sung appreciably less well by people with less talent than the original artists, many of whom have fairly obvious and somewhat troubling personality disorders, on a set that looks as though it was designed by the same people who designed the wrappers for Quality Street chocolates, presided over by a group of people who, as a result of consistent public attention and adulation, are now of the mistaken belief that what they do matters and should be the subject of public debate, all in order to basically inflate the already gargantuan income of a man who's almost singlehandedly responsible for everything that is wrong with the last decade of this country's musical output? (I wonder if he and The Man are friends?) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL ARE YOU ALL IDIOTS WHY CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM RIGHT AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Feel free to respond in the comments if you have any arguments that might persuade me that the IQ of the majority of the UK population is in double rather than treble figures, and that that is borne out by the its televisual habits]

*Ahem*

Of course, though, that all pales into insignificance compared to stuff that people have done on the internet. Here is some of it.

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I awoke this morning feeling wonderful – the weather was a bit pony, admittedly, but it was FRIDAY and I had 2 days of pseudo-freedom to look forward to before reapplying the shackles of gainful employment. Things were looking good, webmongs…and then I had an 8:30am conference call which pretty much screwed my day entirely. It’s hard to explain its effect without resorting to cheap hyperbole, so I shan’t try; suffice it to say that it was the psychological equivalent of making a series of small but well-placed papercuts between each of my toes and then taking a saline foot-bath; of flaying the skin from my bones and then rolling across the great Salt Lake Desert.

But! It’s not just about me (it is, actually, but let’s pretend). What’s been going on in the world since we last spoke? Oh, loads of stuff. Old Spice did THE BEST THING ON THE INTERNET EVER – or at least that’s what a bunch of generic media idiots think; real people, on the other hand, remained utterly oblivious to the fact that a man with his shirt off was massaging the egos of a host of people on Twitter. They also remained reluctant to purchase the frankly horrifyingly-scented product in question (though a note to all the PR/marketing gurus/ninjas/mavens (*vomits*) who are running around shouting FAIL! – let’s look at figures in a year’s time and then judge the campaign, eh? And frankly I’m sure that the fine folk at W&K will be crying into their vintage Veuve at Cannes this time next year when they’re hoovering cocaine from the tanned midriff s of teenage models whilst clutching multiple Lions of varying hues).

What else? Paul Gascoigne made a late bid for a post on the UN Security counsel as he demonstrated his peacekeeping skills; The Times revealed the IMMENSE SUCCESS of its paywall policy; the Spanish won a fight; lots more people got a Facebook account; and I went to see this man doing stand-up and fell a bit in love with his genius. But! You don’t care about that! In fact, you probably don’t care about what is to follow either, but no matter. On with the LINKS and INFORMATION and STUFF.

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It’s hard to know where to start this week. THERE HAS SIMPLY BEEN SO MUCH HAPPENING. Frankly, though, it probably doesn’t matter what I write here (yes, I know that it never matters, but indulge me) given the fact that The Rapture is almost certainly nearly upon us. Look at the evidence – volcanoes, strange lights in the sky, Nick ‘Casanova’ Clegg now a shoo-in at No.10 after proving himself the least robotic and inhuman of our three potential leaders on TV last night…the end times are coming. Frankly it’s only a matter of moments before the skies are filled with smug Christians all laughing and pointing as they are raised up to heaven to watch the rest of us boil in fiery eternal torment (obviously there is NOTHING remotely un-Christian about this image). With that in mind we might as well enjoy our last moments, and what better way to do that than to waste the final precious minutes of life remaining to us by staring catatonically at a computer screen and ‘enjoying’ this week’s roundup of ephemeral rubbish that couldn’t be any less consequential? But before we get started, an amazing photo of a volcano (no, not this one) from the most amazing man on Twitter, @Astro_Soichi:

Two lakes inside a volcano, taken from space. Yes, SPACE.

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Do you remember when you were at school and you would come in on a Monday after a haircut dreading the inevitable pisstaking from your classmates? I’ve been reminded of that this week. Anyone would think I had come into work having sprouted horns (not entirely unreasonable; remind me to tell you the story of when I sold my soul to Satan in exchange for good exam results one day), but no, all it is is that I now have short hair. For those of you who don’t know me, I now look like this:

Me, with a friend, yesterday

Whereas before I looked more like this:

Yahoo Serious. Younger readers will have no idea who this is. FIE ON YOU, YOUNGER READERS.

Anyway, enough of this crap. On with the web-related crap instead.

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